A metaphor

 

Building up a painting is a little like a metaphor for self-improvement. At first, the task seems immense. The blank canvas, the doubts. Then an image of the desired outcome emerges. It often feels like it would never work. This act of accumulating layers on a canvas, the marks getting smaller, more precise, until something begins to appear. Somewhere near the start of the process of painting, the doubts are at their most intense. There comes a point where you want to leave it, whether it is the painting or the actual emotional act of creating. It often is an act of faith, a thing that most creative people do, without really knowing whether their wishes would yield anything at all. Then, somewhere, maybe a day into a painting, something calls out faintly:' Maybe…yes, maybe this will work out'. The fog of self-doubt lifts just enough and the colours begin to dance, becoming brighter. Maybe you will improve, become a better person. Time is running out.

An old hand still has this magic ability to surprise an even older mind. You carry on. Suddenly the painting is finished. You know this, because any additional marks you make take something away from what you have already laid down on the surface. You stand back. In the old days, you might have lit up a cigarette, leaned against the studio wall and contemplate a future filled with dreams and unimaginable happiness. Then later, when the end is nearer than the beginning, you are just grateful.

You don't know what or whom to pray to anymore. The Icons in the front room, remnants of your past life, sit quietly. They have become something else over the years. You nod at them all the same. You are just grateful. Tomorrow another painting, another exploration of what it means to live in this plane, this strange, magical, painful existence. Somewhere on this same planet, people are mourning. At war, hurt, at the end of their physical strength, displaced, bereaved, manipulated. Here in this room, a painting is your way of processing all this, but also escaping it all. Seems very unjust, this life.